Being Alive
by Caz Malfoy
Summary: The first time Ianto kills Jack it's an accident...


**Title:** Being Alive  
**Fandom:** Torchwood  
**Pairing:** Jack/Ianto  
**Rating:** FRM  
**Summary:** _The first time Ianto kills Jack it's an accident..._  
**Warning:** Dark themes. Repeated character death.  
**Spoilers: **Cyberwoman, Small Worlds and Countrycide

x

The first time Ianto kills Jack it's an accident. It's after the mess with the Cyberwoman in the Hub; Ianto refuses to think of her as Lisa.

Jack comes to him as Ianto is cleaning up the blood left over from Annie's brutal death. He tells him that Ianto deserves to have to deal with the aftermath of what he almost inflicted on the world.

Ianto agrees, but he doesn't tell Jack that; doesn't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he has won.

Instead, he slowly gets to his feet, turning to face Jack; his hands still covered with the blood he's been trying to clear up for the better part of two hours.

Before Jack can react, Ianto takes a step closer, pushing the Captain back against the wall. "You could have shown some mercy," he states, a repeat of his previous statement.

He knows he doesn't believe what he's saying; Lisa was already long gone, but he needs someone to lash out at. Someone to blame.

"She was already dead," Jack states. He moves his hands as though to push Ianto away, but nothing comes of the action. "We did what had to be done."

"Fuck you," Ianto snarls angrily. He's not about to stand there and let Jack ramble about 'the greater good'.

Before he's aware of moving, Ianto's fingers curl around Jack's throat. The digits tightly pressing against his windpipe make Jack's eyes widen and he tries to prise them away.

Ianto knows killing Jack will achieve nothing other than getting him killed by the other members of Torchwood. In the back of his mind, Ianto wonders if maybe he wants to be killed by them after all.

Jack's breathing quickly becomes laboured and the rational part of Ianto's mind is telling him to stop; to pull away from the Captain before he takes things too far. The not so rational part of his brain reminds him that Jack killed Lisa; he deserves the same fate.

Ianto doesn't move his hands until he feels Jack slump back against the wall. When he does finally lower his arms, Jack's body falls to the ground in a lifeless pile.

Immediately the severity of what he's done rushes over Ianto and he falls to the ground beside Jack. Tears flow freely as he reaches out and places Jack's head in his lap.

Brushing the other man's brown hair away from his rapidly cooling forehead, Ianto murmurs words of apology; a rambling incoherent babble that makes no sense to any one but him.

When Jack comes back to life seven minutes and twelve seconds later it almost scares the life out of Ianto.

x

The second time Jack is killed by Ianto it's by the Captain's request.

Ianto has just finished clearing up Roy Pierce's dead body and retconning the surviving guests from the party.

The Hub is empty now; the rest of the team having walked out on Jack's attempts to explain his actions.

Ianto finds the Captain alone in his office, staring at a picture in his hands silently. There are tears on his face and Ianto feels something deep inside him; something akin to sympathy for the immortal man.

Wordlessly, he heads over to the small liqueur cabinet in the corner of Jack's office. He knows Jack doesn't like to drink, but he's also spent enough time studying the other man's habits; he knows when it's time to break out the bourbon.

Jack only looks up when he senses Ianto holding a glass in front of him. With a silent nod of thanks, Jack takes the glass and quickly downs the lot. When he doesn't even wince as it burns the back of his throat, Ianto wonders how many times he's repeated the same action in the past.

Ianto goes to pour another drink, only stopping when Jack calls his name; it's no more than a whisper, yet it seems to fill the entire expanse of the office.

"You were right," Jack states, still not raising his voice.

When Jack doesn't elaborate, Ianto presses him for more information and Jack continues, "I am a monster."

Ianto wants to shake his head; assure Jack that he never meant those words. Words spoken out of anger and fear of being alone. But he knows Jack doesn't need the empty reassurance of his words; he needs to believe what he's saying is fact.

The fairies would have destroyed the world to get to Jasmine; they both know that. Allowing her to go with them was the kindest thing Jack could have ever done. Ianto knows the team will come around eventually. They have to. Jack is their leader.

"Kill me, Ianto," Jack begs eventually.

He turns to face Ianto and he can easily read the sincerity shining in the Captain's eyes.

"Why?" Ianto asks, stepping closer to the other man and placing his hands on Jack's arms.

When he moves his hands upwards, brushing his thumbs against Jack's Adams Apple. He delights in the shudder that runs through Jack.

"To punish me; to remind me that, despite everything I'm still human, I don't know." Jack shrugs his shoulders dismissively.

Jack's eyes are pleading with him and Ianto knows that that he won't resist. Jack needs to feel something other than the pain of the day's events.

Their eyes meet and Ianto nods, a gesture so small it's barely noticeable. But Jack spots the movement nevertheless.

When Ianto's fingers tighten around his throat Jack smiles thankfully at him before the blackness consumes him.

x

The third time Jack dies at Ianto's hand it's after their excursion into the countryside.

Ianto is feeling bruised and beaten; he wants nothing more than to swallow a Retcon tablet and forget the events of the past few hours.

He doesn't have that luxury and Jack doesn't even offer.

Jack escorts him home. He doesn't speak until he is sure that Ianto is safe inside his apartment.

"I'm sorry," Jack murmurs, bringing his hands up to brush the lapels of Ianto's jacket; it's grubby and dirty and Ianto knows he'll burn it the first chance he gets.

"None of this is your fault," Ianto assures him with a shake of his head. "You weren't to know…"

Jack is adamant of his guilt and nods his own head firmly. "I took you out in the field, what happened was my fault."

Ianto tries to assure Jack he really doesn't blame the Captain for what happened, but the other man is having none of it.

Eventually Ianto tries to silence Jack's worries the only way he can think. He kisses him. Hot and hard. Showing no mercy.

Jack moans at the brutality of Ianto's kisses and responds in kind; returning Ianto's kisses with fervour.

Ianto's hand moves up to Jack's throat, running his fingers down the soft skin. Their tongues tangle as Jack thinks about the events of the day. Everything that happened to Ianto is his fault; he just knows it.

He presses Ianto's fingers harder against his throat. He gets hard from the feeling, just as Ianto does.

His life is slowly draining from him; he can feel himself slowly losing consciousness as Ianto's fingers press harder against his windpipe.

They're both fucked and they know it; but neither of them can think of another way to make themselves remember they still have each other to live for.


End file.
